Spring ... what can one say

April,

Comes like an idiot,

babbling, and strewing flowers.

Edna St. Vincent Millay

I adore this time of year -- Spring , it always sounds to me as if the world gets another chance at new.

The smiles on peoples faces as they shrug off the heaviness of winter, children running in parks, the smell of the Earth as she comes back to life all fresh and green ... and the parade of babies, new ducklings and goslings floating in ponds and on rivers --Spring.

I love walking in the woods on warm spring mornings, listening to the sounds, just strolling through the shadows and beams of sunshine waiting to see what lays ahead, something green or blue, red or yellow, and all fresh and verdant.

The place I go is a series of farm woodlots that have been strung together by trails, and they are protected, you get no ATV's, no bikes, no noise, and you can walk for hours. There are deer, and wild turkey, fox, and the occasional coyote, chipmunks getting into their naughtiness, and peacefulness, blessedly.

I find myself drawn there when I need some time to think things through, or simply to mull life over in my own time, thoughts always seem so much more meaningful when you can come to them quietly.

We in the Region are very thankful to all of the property owners who have been so kind as to ensure that this property is there for those of us who truly appreciate and need places such as these; just to know that life is more then living in town ... much more.

So from all of us to those of you who keep these sanctuaries available and natural; we thank you.

Blessings on you all, wishing you a warm and gentle Spring.

Nothing Lasts Forever ...

Now, don't hang on,

nothing last forever but the

Earth and sky.

It slips ... away,

and all your money

won't another minute buy.

(Kansas, "Dust in the Wind")

I have always loved the song "Dust in the Wind"; it is prophetic and true, for all we are is "just a drop of water in an endless sea".

I have found in my 57 years that life is an interesting mix of what we want and what we need, and is ever so convoluted by our desire to be eternal, all-knowing masters of our universe.

The truth is, "All we do crumbles to the ground though we refuse to see." There is not a single thing man has created, built or brought to fruition that will endure as long as the Earth, for every molecule that was here remains; everything returns to the Earth eventually.

It seems to me that what we want is to survive -- if not forever, then for at least as long as we are able to. Yet we seem to be in such a hurry to eradicate ourselves.

The definition of insanity comes into play here: to keep doing the same things over and over, and to expect different results. Yet that is exactly what we're doing, over and over, day after day.

When will the day come when we finally take the proverbial "look in the mirror" at our existence and realize that we don't have the right to destroy our planet? It is only on loan to us, and every other creature that shares this amazing biosystem has the right to feel safe and secure in the fact that it will endure.

We have the capability to ensure that our existence is more than just existing -- that there can be a measure of quality in our being here -- but not at the expense of all others living and sharing this home.

Statistically we are losing the battle, so to speak:

Each Minute ...

-51 acres of tropical forests are destroyed

-35,000 barrels of oil are consumed

-50 tons of fertile topsoil are washed or blown off cropland

-12,000 tons of carbon dioxide are added to the atmosphere

Each Hour ...

-1692 acres of productive dryland becomes desert

-1800 children die of malnutrition and hunger (15 million/yr.)

-$120 million are spent on military expenditures (1 trillion/yr.)

-55 people are poisoned by pesticides; 5 die

-60 new cases of cancer are diagnosed in the U.S. alone

(500,000 each year with 20,000 leading to death)

Each Day ...

-230,000+ babies are born

-25,000 people die of water shortage or contamination

-10 tons of nuclear waste are generated by 350 nuclear plants

-250,000 tons of sulfuric acid falls as acid rain in the Northern Hemisphere

-60 tons of plastic packaging and 372 tons of fishing net are dumped into

the sea by commercial fishermen

-6 species become extinct

We are very special and we are this planet's worst nightmare. We need to get a grip on this situation before the situation is an event of catastrophic proportions. We can do this; we can stop. It will be painful -- as they say, "No pain, no gain." It may sound trite, but it is true.

... Let's say that the funds directed to the Iraq / Afghanistan war were to be directed instead to helping humanity survive as opposed to leading us down the road to our demise as a species ... just imagine.

Blessings on you all, and prayers for a safer tomorrow.

(Statistics are current as of 1998.)

We are ...

We are ...

a forever meadow

lush and green,

... a bright light

that travels on

into infinity,

... our future selves

swathed in love and

loving,

... an eternal pool

reflecting all

and all reflecting,

... an endless portrayal

of what we were

questing,

... a limitless expression

of limitless expression,

we are.

by: Glenn D. Clarke

Life, in it's simplest manifestation

Be intent upon the perfection of the present day.
William Law

It is a perfect day, the sun shines warmly on my face, our kittens Aja and Vida are curled up on the bed with my darling girl in a beam of sunlight. I know if I put my face to Aja's belly it will smell of sunshine.

My darling girl sleeps now, after a harrowing day gone by -- the loss of Roo is a force in our lives, a memory that will never be forgotten -- a day that though we would rather have staved off, we knew in our bones it's inevitability, and we do the dance with it.

But for now she lays in sunlight, peaceful looking, my Angel of the Morning, and I think to myself "Let this day be gentler on her, let this day bring her some peace."

It is time for me to leave for work, go out into this beautiful day and make a silk purse of this sows ear in my heart, and at the end of this day I will do my utmost to bring home a silliness culled from someone or something in it and perhaps see the smile that I live for. But in my own way I will be "intent upon the perfection".

Blessings on all of you till we meet again.

7 pounds - the movie

Last night Jaliya and I had the distinct pleasure of being able to watch Wil Smith's latest to DVD film "7 pounds", and a pleasure it surely was.

Following on the heels of his film "The Pursuit of Happiness", Smith has been able to attract the same production crew, and in addition the magnificent director Gabriele Muccino and supporting cast of Rosario Dawson, Barry Pepper, Michael Ealy, and Woody Harrelson all combined to make a film that in my personal oppinion should have been nominated for an academy award, and for whatever reason wasn't.

The basis for this film is an incredible wrong that Ben (Smith) has caused, and a debt he believes he carries; In this heightened state of awareness, reallizes that he has the ability to change the lives of seven different people in very distinct ways.

This is a compelling, and very human movie that allows us to see that out of great tragedy can come great good, with a brilliiant performance by Wil Smith (Ben Thomas), and Rosario Dawson (Emily), and equally great performances by the rest of this world-class cast, it is a rollercoaster ride of emotions.

I think one of the aspects of this film that I found almost haunting was the beautifully surreal soundtrack crafted by Angelo Milli, it is truly a feast for the ears.

So dear readers if you truly love great film, just buy this gem of a movie, I'm sure you'll watch it over and over -- I know we will.

Take care for now, and we'll see you soon, until then blessings on you.

Go play with your sisters Roo

Of all God's creatures there is only one that cannot be made the slave of the lash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.
Mark Twain

At 7:55 am today we recieved a call from Dr. B. that our Roo was in distress, and if we wished to say goodbye, now was the time to come.

I think back over the seven years that my darling girl and I have had together, and the joy that she brought into my life by just being, and I'm a blessed man.

Along with her she brought three darling girls, previously mentioned and nicknamed "the snoop sister's". We had Jaliya,Binky and Roo, the previous two had left us two and three years ago through the merciful aid of our dear Dr.B., and this morning she left in the hands of our dear Dr. also.

Unfortunately we weren't in time to see her and be with her before she passed, and this brings quite a pain to my heart, Jaliya is so overwrought with the pain of loss right now, and this brings me to my knees. It hurts so much to lose one who has been your "first born" so-to-speak, for Roo was the first in Jaliya's life, and there is a very special bond there needless to say.

But on a somewhat comical note, in relation to Roo's ever insistant need to prove that I held no sway in her life; At one point I wanted to pick her up and put her in Jaliya's arms -- it just seemed like the right thing to do -- as I picked her up, her bladder let go, so even in death she had the last word.

I was not perturbed at this in the least, as a matter of fact I could have howled with laughter; she stayed true to her nature to the end -- bless her sweet soul :) .

So for now dear readers I will bid you adieu, for my darling girl is in need of me to be with her for some time.

Blessings on all of your sweet souls, and always remember; Love is the one thing you can give completely, and never run out of, so give it freely.

Goodbye sweet, love you

I need a moment's pause ...

"My mind feels like a frog in a blender"
My Jaliya

Dear readers, please excuse the seeming bizarreness of the above statement; it was originally made by my darling girl a few years ago after her mother died. Another term could be "discombobulated" -- a somewhat distracted state of mind. (Jaliya sez: "The blender was on whip!")

I loathe Spring colds; I was saying to Jaliya today through sniffles and hacks that I had made a grievous error in making the statement a few days ago: "I'm so fortunate to have escaped being sick this winter" -- an example of "Watch what you ask for/ say -- you may get it."

So here I sit, sniffling and snuffling and generally feeling like "poo", and my darling, knowing what I'm like when sick, is making me chicken soup :) , and generally loving me from a distance (smart girl ).

I really don't know why I'm writing to you of this; I guess it's a fulfillment of the belief, "Misery wants company," and if that is true (honk, hack, aaaachooooo) I'm terribly sorry.

Chicken soup is here ... Time to go. Be well in yourselves and bless you all.

Spring is coming ... a little patience is required

Honest Winter, snow-clad, and with the frosted beard, I can welcome not uncordially; But that long deferment of the calendar's promise, that weeping gloom of March and April, that bitter blast outraging the honour of May, how often has it robbed me of heart and hope?
George Gissing

I looked out upon the world early this morning, this ought-to-be Spring morning, and what did I see?

Snow, albeit just a smattering, a loose dusting as it were, but snow just the same.

It's easy to have your hopes dashed at this time of the year -- everything hangs so tenuously; even the weather is a frail what-if. As someone once said, 'Tis the time that God rewrites the Book of Genesis ...

This winter for us in Ontario was especially long, simply because it came so early, and seemed to stay so long. (Doesn't it always?)

But if you find that it is taking too long, just look to this beautiful picture, and in it see yourself walking in fields of flowers like these and see if that doesn't buoy you up.

As I've said here before, the sight of the first Trillium of spring can bring me to my knees ... so patience, dear reader ... just a little while longer ... patience.

Peace and blessings to you all.

Joy is such a wonder

My creed is that:

Happiness is the only good.

The place to be happy is here.

The time to be happy is now.

The way to be happy is to make others so.

Robert G. Ingersoll

When I think of the times in my life that I have been truly happy, they end up as two fold; when I am alone with my thoughts outdoors under natures canopy walking in a wood, and when I find myself with people I love to share time and laughter with -- and these two things I try to do often.

In this time of uncertainty and distress, we most assuredly need some joy and happiness to enter our hearts, we need a hug, a joke, and a little kindness to soften the blows of all that is going on about us.

I was in a cafe the other day, and at one point heard a man say to his friend "The world is going to the dogs.", and for the first time ( because we all have heard that statement ), I thought to myself "Hmmm, what a curious thought ... maybe they could do a better job."

This thought amused me so much I couldn't help myself and started to laugh, where upon, the two men looked at me in a most quizzical way, "Sorry" I said "but the remark you just made made me think of that statement in literal tones, and I found it truly funny in essence."

They obviously didn't see the humour, and got up and left ... and I sat there and smiled.

But thinking on it some more ( and still chuckleing to myself ), I thought "Rover for Prime Minister" and laughed outloud.

Wouldn't it make an interesting possibility, dogs are the most wonderful creatures, there is a statement by Charleton Ogburn, Jr. "Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of a door" , would that we could be so optimistic.

A world in which we found joy and happiness simply by expecting it to be present around any corner, what a marvelous (if not totally realistic ) world that would be; life lived in the minute, how amusingly refreshing.

I leave you with this thought by Robert Louis Stevenson, "There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."

Be with those you love often, and laugh with complete abandon with them, seek out joy for it is there to be found -- all around us.

Blessings on you all.

WHO, US?

You have now learned to see
That cats are much like you and me
And other people whom we find
Possessed of various types of mind.

T.S.Eliot


As you know, dear friends, my darling girl spent some time away from us, and during that time she had the very good fortune to spend some time in a class with a very eminent horticulturist.

In this class she learned a lot about plants that she did not know, and was able to plant a 'stone plant' in a lovely small glass container. She was quite thrilled with her small creation, and it sat on her desk beside her bed for her to look at and ponder.

Well, now my love is home, and with her came the tiny miracle of Mother Nature's bounty. We placed it between a couple of other plants we had sitting on a lovely chest we own, and there it sat, drinking in the lovely sunshine and being resplendent in itself, fresh and quite pretty.

This morning when I awoke, the sun just starting to peek out over the horizon, I left our bed and as I stepped into the hallway, felt something akin to grit under my feet. I looked down and to my still blurry eyes I saw dirt and plant scraps all about. On closer inspection did I not find our Vidaloo, our preciously rambunctious kittone sprawled on the floor, entrails of a once 'stone plant' hanging from her chops ...

She lay there looking at me for a split second and was gone, guilt left in her wake.

What was I to do? I couldn't very well start up the vacuum and wake my darling girl, so the carnage was left, to be visible evidence when Mama awoke.

When it was finally a decent hour to wake Madame, what did I find but our own sweet little 'muffin' curled on the bed as if nothing had happened; cats have no conscience at all. At this point I woke Jaliya and said, "You are not going to be pleased with your youngest daughter." Surveying the wreckage, the trail was plain to see and follow. I went about the task of finding one bedraggled remnant of what was a lovely plant and put it in water; hopefully we'll save its poor self.

As for Vida -- well, she is a cat, and cats do not have the capacity to know right from wrong, plant from toy ... so she sits and plays with a paper ball, enjoying her life, waiting for the chance to wreak havoc on something else that catches her attention ... waiting ...

She is the idea of 'cat'

Cats, no less liquid than their shadows,

Offer no angles to the wind.

They slip, diminished,

Neat, through loopholes

Less than themselves.

~ A.S.J.Tessimond

Our Roo, she has been a conundrum to me since day one. Unrelenting in the fact that she is the Queen of the house, she holds firm sway over the little ones Aja and Vida. She sits or lays as if surveying her domain, and no one, not I, nor my darling girl, contests this fact.

With my darling girl Roo is sweet, loving, and absolute in her affections. With me it's always been a different story. That Roo puts up with my presence has never been disputed; that I am a convenience is a fact; that I contribute to her lifestyle (Tee hee: a cat's lifestyle) is my place in this world. It is said that "cats do not have owners, they have staff" -- and if I should ever forget this, she is johnny-on-the-spot to remind me.

I will be the first to say that we have butted heads in the past. I have had dogs for most of my life, and they are different -- a dog will willingly defer to its human; a cat, on the other hand, will look at you in a way that says, "You said what to me?"

I have seen grown men back away from a pissed off kitty; wisdom tells you that if you pursue this course of action, the end is going to be messy. I was not one of the aforementioned individuals, and pushed my position as the "dominant human" too far on a few occasions (Did I neglect to say I wasn't too swift in the mental uptake of my actions? ... ha ha), and received for my bother some "sharp" reminders. Respect comes of age in the end.

At this juncture in Roo's life, we have agreed to disagree, have said "Truce", and are much kinder to one another. The other night, Jaliya and I were watching a movie. About halfway into the film, Roo proceeded to shock the daylights out of us when she climbed up onto the couch between us ... and with her weight into me, she lay down and allowed me to stroke her. I did this gently, and she purred, and I went to tears, streaming tears ... Jaliya looked at me and smiled her knowing smile, and we sat like that for the remainder of the film. I was gob-smacked.

With Jaliya's departure to hospital for two months, I witnessed a change in Roo that shocked me. She has lost a lot of weight, perhaps three pounds -- for a cat, this is a lot. Roo has sunk into herself in away that is disturbing, and she is hiding, which is a distinct sign that all is not right.

So now it falls on us to get her to our vet "Dr. B.", and have her give us her opinion as to what is going on. We already are aware that Roo is declining, and a decision that we have had to make in the past will be made yet again. We know with the certainty of experience that this will be our last kindness to Roo, and for all the love she has shown to my darling girl, and for the great teacher she has been to me, we will do it out of our love for her.

At this point I am going to ask the question that has always raised itself in my mind at a time like this; why as human beings can we do this kindness for our beloved pets, and yet not for another human? Perhaps this is a question for another time, though it is something we seem to be incapable of sharing with our fellow man. Hmmm.

So at this point, we sit and wait; we lay our hands on Roo, try to comfort her as best we can, and just be with her. After all is said and done ... this is all we can do.

I shall keep you apprised, and for now as always, many blessings on you all.

There are places I go ...

Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.
Winston Churchill

I was never less alone then when by myself.
Edward Gibbon


There are places I go, ethereal places, places where the forest gods live and rend magnificent magic for all human senses ... and all we have to do is go to them, be in them, and realize we are of them.

When in a place such as this I find myself doing things that I would normally not do; one is to breathe deeply, allowing all of the scents to mingle. There are pine and fir, moss and decaying logs, mixed with rich loamy soil as old as the Earth itself, and in all of this you find a freeing of your soul and if you listen very closely it will tell you stories of past visitations, show you evidence that there is an enormity to the life within its borders; great robust life in moose and deer, in bear and wolf. If you watch closely, you will see lessons in learned timidity through squirrel, chipmunk and rabbit. All this and heaven too.

I have been blessed and dazzled to witness big-horned sheep in the mountains of our own British Columbia as they dance from footholds no bigger than their hooves, as if members of a ballet troupe performing some mystical age-old saga.

But the real reason I go into these "ethereal places" is a much simpler one; it makes me feel truly like I have a part in this world that is calmer than day-to-day life in a city.

I feel more alive in the wild then in any circumstance I could ever be a part of in what we call civilization.

The true nature of man is of the wild; it is the essence of our being, and it is the place where we are one with life; we become what we are in nature, just one of its many children, and while there, we are humbled by its splendour and by the fact that we are quite small next to its enormity, for here we would exist like all other creatures, at Nature's whim.

This is unsettling for we who consider ourselves as the master species, but that is another story for another day.

For now I speak of the tranquility that overtakes me; I am helpless in the thrall of every single nuance of this beauty that is woven like a fine tapestry before my eyes. I can be, and have been, taken to my knees at the sight of the first trillium of spring, and even now the sight of this year's fawn can make me weep, for to witness the young of the forest is a blessing indeed and I revel in it.

Jaliya and I were in Northern Ontario visiting a friend for the weekend one fall a few years ago, and I asked if she would like to join me for a walk. "Absolutely, babe," was her reply, and we soon found ourselves walking through the forest. About twenty minutes in, I said, "Look over your left shoulder" -- and there she saw her first moose about thirty yards off. I wish I'd had a camera with me right then -- the look on her face was amazing; it was the first time she had actually seen a moose, and she was awestruck. It put such a smile on my face to see her expression.

My darling bloggers, I could go for hours on these topics, but let's save some for another day.

I will leave you with this; I'm amazed when I hear someone say that they have never been into the forests of this great world. If this is you, find someone who has an understanding of the woods, and join them on your own sojourn into Mother Nature's womb. Learn to love her and all of her gifts; they are there for you to see, feel, and enjoy. I will ask but one thing of you: where you go, go quietly and respectfully; leave nothing behind but your scent on the wind, and always remember this is part of life. I call it "the gift," and it is for you and me. Treat it well.

Until we meet again, love and blessings on your sweet souls.

She's Home

And joy and Spring, and joy again,
my heart that sings a joyous refrain.
Glenn D. Clarke



My darling girl has returned to me, and all is right on earth. I collected my Jaliya yesterday, and oh what a feeling of joy to have her home.

She sits behind me on the PC, she is in bliss state at this moment as she is readying a piece for submision to the eye of literary guru Nino Ricci who is in town today, and she (and I:) ) are praying that he will see the wonder in her work and pick hers as the winner; we'll keep you aprised.

I can't begin to express what I feel at her being back in our home, suffice to say I and our beloved kittones are thrilled at her return, it hardly feels like two months have gone by, which I'm sure has much to do with the speed of the world today and exactly how busy we are in general; how foolish are we to allow time with our loved ones and all the things that are so much more important to fall into the realm of "not enough time".

But I shan't be dogged by negativity today, for she has returned to our home, and more so, to the arms of the one who loves her most of all. There is no small thanks to all of the wonderful people involved in the return to life that she has come through and to all of them I give my heart felt thanks, it seems like such a small thing to offer to those who work so diligently to aid those who are suffering, but there it is, bursting forth from my heart to theres.

And for now, Iwill bid you all a great day, much love and blessings on your sweet souls.

The Nature of Nature

No one thinks of Winter when the grass is green.
Rudyard Kipling



Ah, Spring ... I have long fancied the wonder and beauty of this magical time of the year, the delicious smell of the earth after a rain, all vibrant and alive, the grasses and buds of trees all verdant and green.

I am left thinking of the young boy who was me waking on that day, that first amazing day, when everything seemed new and possible, scrambling off to my best friend's house, delighting as we went to "our river" with our inner tubes inflated, and when there, we'd toss them into the water, scramble into them, and start our maiden voyage of the year down to the lake. This journey would take most of the day, and boys being boys, we'd have to stop a few times to check out a fallen tree on the bank, or look at some "amazing stuff "; that is just the nature of young boys.

Now I find myself looking for that young boy every spring, and he still exists behind every tree and around every bend in a stream, squealing with delight at every new find, every different bug, and in awe of each beautiful flower that Mother Nature shares with him; I find him still in love with that magnificent mistress of nature. I bend to smell the ground, and in so doing I see the boy I was dash ahead as if beckoning me on to all the sights, sounds, and smells that wait to be found on every new day.

I have a place now that I tend to visit every spring; it's a series of bush trails that link farms north of us that have been dedicated to hikers in spring, summer and fall, and to cross-country skiers in winter. This is a blessing bestowed to the public by the farmers and property owners to let us have a place in our busy lives to be able to go to and get something "real", to breathe and connect with that side that craves the sanity of nature. I'm sure those of us who go to these places, all of us, see the child we once were, and we all cling to the ability to feel the joy that was our childhood. Here are deer and fox, wild turkey and rabbit, all of the creatures that make us say to ourselves, "This is what I live for."

And so dear friends, at this point you must excuse me, for there is a little boy here who is begging my attention, and I have no choice but to go with him for a walk, a stroll if you will, down the lane called "Memory".

As always, Blessings on you and yours, and may your child find you on this day of days.

Say What You Need To Say ... Often

Pride had rather go out of the way than go behind. Thomas Fuller

Between whom there is hearty truth, there is love. Henry David Thoreau

The song to the video I created above is by a wondrous young song/ wordsmith by the name of John Mayer, in it he speaks of "saying what you need to say ", and in hearing the song for the first time I was quite taken aback by the wisdom in the lyric.

What is it about human beings in so many instances in our lives, we seemed to be damned to tell the truth, to put our pride out of the way and just 'say' what is on our minds.

Truth is covered in so many guise's, we tell people who question why "we didn't tell the truth from the beginning" that we did it to spare their feelings, as if to be caught in a lie wouldn't wound us to the core.

Another is "the truth is not all it is cracked up to be", to this I say; I would rather hear the truth and decide on my own thankyou very much, than to feel betrayal from someone in whom I may have had a high degree of trust.

I know with a certainty that in my own life there have been times when I didn't 'say what needed to be said', and it has caused me untold pain and hardship through my life.

My father passed a number of years ago, and in his passing I realized that I had forfeited any chance at clearing the air between us, and in that, set in place a deep chasm of pain in my heart that I carry to this day. He was a man who was ill-prepared for the absolute that is fatherhood, and in being who he was, made himself emotionally unavailable to his family, to his detriment, and our constaint pain; children need both parents present and accountable to be able to grow to be emotionally stable, strong and capable adults. With me, I know it has caused an inability to create solid relationships with men, and that has been a problem because at 57 I have a need to be able to "chum" with some men I know, and yet ... I lack the where-withall to do so, and so feel cheated, and this is no ones fault but my own, for I never forced myself out into the male world so to speak.

"Humans." Robin Williams; from the movie Bicentenial Man

We are an ever un-folding organism, constantly becoming, forever on the verge of greatness, and yet we have the hardest time telling people we either love, respect, or care about exactly what it is that we feel, love or respect in them or about them, and in the end we find ourselves carrying the weight of the guilt of not telling them how we feel; what is missing in this picture?

I know myself at this juncture in my life, I take every possible opportunity to tell those I love, men and women that I love them and why I feel as I do, I never want to feel that there is one more person who leaves this world, or leaves my world that doesn't know and I mean really know how I feel about them. I tell Jaliya that I love her every single day (whether I like her that day or not :) ), this is something I will never not do, for those of you who keep up with our blogs you know how much we like one another :).

So how do we do this, easy; say what you need to say, that's all, simple, children do this naturally until we teach them not to, and that has to stop also. One of the things that is so wonderful about our children is that they are honest to a fault until we teach them that not showing their emotions is sometimes wiser ; when is that wise? That telling the truth all of the time is not tactful ; when is this wise? Teach them to be tactful and honest, it's hard work, but it pays dividends in the end for them.

I would like to close with a story, this is true and about an episode in my life which I wish I had the ability to change.

I had a friend when I was in my mid teens, P. was an awesome guy, more like a brother than "just a friend", and it seemed that wherever he was, I was, and vice versa. P. met his then wife S. and it quickly turned to a love situation, I was in the Armed Forces at the time and S. got pregnant, so they married, I came home on leave so as to be his 'bestman'. The wedding was simple and lovely, they found an apartment and settled in as man and wife. In due course A. was born, and they asked me to be A.'s Godfather, which thrilled me no end, by this point I was out of the Forces and was able to spend time with them all, but P. had a job that was demanding of his time, so as a friend I would try to make myself available so S. could have sometime for adults, and I could have A. for a time.

One afternoon, S. and I were sitting in the kitchen having a coffee, A. was having his nap, and P. came into the apartment, took one look at me and said "What the hell are you doing here?" and started slinging accusations at S. and I that were totally out of order. To this day I have no idea where any of that came from, he pushed me out of the apartment, slammed the door in my face and I never saw either S., or my Godson A. again , and years later found out they had divorced shortly after this incident, and have since disappeared.

Years later I saw P. one day sitting in the drivers seat of a cab, I approached him, and said "P., how are you man, it's been so long." To this he said" f@#k you" and drove away, leaving me standing, slack jawed in his wake. I don't understand anymore today than I did at the time why this happened, although I can put some maturity to it at this point and surmise that what initially happened embarassed P., and being the type of person I know him to be, he couldn't say what needed to be said at the time. It has more than likely taken a real toll on his soul, for I know, or knew the man, and he is a prideful individual. So to him at this time I would like to say "P., if you are out there, I feel your pain, I'm sorry we couldn't talk it over brother, and I'm sincerely sorry for not being able to be there for you, I've missed you for years."

To S. and A., what can I say, I've missed you two and wish I knew what happened, I never gave P. any reason to believe that he had to be jealous or anything of a kind, I hope life treats you all well, and that there is peace in it for you all.

And so another page turns, life goes on, and we need to all remember "Say what you need to say" always.

Love, peace, and blessings on you all.

I Am Poured Into This World ...

I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the cost.

F. McKinney Hubbard

I was, am, and will eternally be poured into this life. I am the grateful son of a wondrous woman -- my mom was the best :-) -- a woman who was an endless river of love and devotion to her three sons. Her heart was the proverbial fount of compassion for all who knew her and loved her -- there were many over the span of her life.

I am poured into life as a leaf floating in a river, through every imaginable canyon of existence; I see and feel all around as if I was a filter for life itself. I watch and commune in constant thrall to the life around me.

I was fortunate to be a child of a man who, although incapable of being a father in the traditional sense of the word, grasped in the beauty of nature a magnificent teacher in the ways of forest, hill, and stream ... and for that I will always be thankful. He taught me to see, truly see, the life beyond the back door of the constructed city. I have passed time looking under the decaying logs on a forest floor at the life teeming below them, been agog by the brutality of two stags doing battle in a forest glade, and dumbfounded by the sheer beauty in a wing of a Monarch butterfly.

For this and all other questings for the true wonder of this world I give great thanks to the man who was 'Dad'.

I have found, as I was saying to a dear friend the other night, that I have been blessed with the ability to spend much of my adult life in love with women. I have never been the type of man who seeks solace with his own gender; I've found many men I have met to be boorish and self- absorbed, and in that, not much good to the women in their lives.

I was saying to another friend (also a woman) who was questing for her "mate for life" that not many men are worth a damn till we hit at least 40, after which we tend to be more in touch with our feminine aspects; we become a little softer, less controlled by our ego, and generally more pleasant to be with.

The unfortunate side of this equation is the existence of misanthropes like George W. Bush whose characters denigrate men with decent, thoughtful and gentle qualities. Because of men of this caliber, others like myself and those whom I know to be decent, kind and loving, suffer a "clumping of kind" -- we tend to be lumped together as a group, and therefore tend not to associate with other men -- we tend to be wary of Bush-like males ...

I am eternally poured through this world in an endless quest for truth, and in this quest I find I have become mindful of the gentle sweetness of women I have been blessed to know; they have been the making (and the breaking and remaking) of me. I have found comfort in the arms of women for a day, a week, for years ... and have learned the invaluable lessons of being a man loved, hated, loved, and broken open.

Through my life I have felt that there was something that tied me to women, and I now realize what one common thread has been -- these women have been abused in one way or another. Some of the abuse was sexual, some emotional, some physical, but all of it was needless and cruel.

I remember being fourteen and helplessly in love with an "older woman" who was nineteen. S~ offered me kindness, tenderness, and understanding when I was most in need of them. I was much too young to have been involved with this poor, broken girl who had as I understand today a severe psychosis -- it became evident the day I went to her basement apartment, knocked on the door knowing she was there, and entered to find the room dark and laced with the haunting sound of a whimpering child. I found S~ and she unleashed on me a fury that I have never before or since witnessed or suffered; it was all I could do to hold onto her and scream for help. Someone in the house heard our cries and called the police, who showed up minutes later (which seemed an eternity to me). They called for an ambulance, and S~ was taken away. I was left shaken, unsure of what had happened, and crying in a crumpled mess on the floor of her room. A police officer returned and guided me home, where I immediately fell into my Mom's arms. I shook for two days, and never saw S~ again, but later heard that she had killed herself in an asylum.

This was how I began to learn and understand that we all seek out love, in whatever layered and complex form it may take, and that we all hope for the best ...

My ex-wife B~ was someone I loved deeply for a long time. She had been sexually abused by her father, who had more issues than Sports Illustrated ... He worked his evil on her to the point where it actually continued through our relationship. B~'s father abused her from early childhood into her adult life, until he killed himself; in so doing, he cheated her out of ever being able to confront him, as should have been her right. I will forever feel pain for this woman; she was badly scarred, and I truly hope that she can find peace in herself ...

And now I have my beloved Jaliya; you who have been following our blogs will understand that she has had some issues of her own to work out. Her challenges have lasted a lifetime, and she has managed to cultivate a self that is largely calm, loving, and warm. She is my other half; at the risk of sounding corny, she completes me.

It pains me greatly to see what my darling girl is going through at this juncture in her life; it's taken a toll on her, but she is an awesome little power in my life and she perseveres in her quest to find peace with her demons as we all must in some form ... This has challenged me in ways I couldn't imagine, and I find myself now on a whole new journey. Somehow I know that we will emerge on the other side of this and be smiling in rays of sunlight. Life constantly challenges us, and we are all capable of achieving the peace in life that we search for, if we remain passionately committed to the search. For some the road is longer and rockier, but if by chance we find and keep our focus, the fruit it bears truly is sweet. The secret is in staying the course ...

In ending this addition to my blog, I find myself still, as ever, being poured through life, not quite sure on the final destination, but sure in the fact that as we human beings are capable of some horrendous acts of cruelty, we are also capable of a beauty that is divine ... To touch our own lives and others' with a loving spirit is our best quest ...

We'll be seeing you again soon ... till then, many blessings on all of your sweet souls.

How do we Know the Face of Love

'Love is the irresistible desire to be loved irresistibly.' Louis Ginsberg

How do we know the face of Love?

This is a question that I know the answer to in my heart, to the very core of me -- and yet ... ?

We humans are such splendid creatures -- we know when there is a situation that is dire to our circumstance such as freezing cold or scalding heat; we know when we are tired, or when we feel well rested, but this simple yet obviously complex question of the state of our heart, soul, and mind ... simply baffles us.

We know we love many elements of our life -- music, art, film, food ... we know that honey is a lovely sensation on our tongues and satisfies our craving for sweetness (not quite as well as chocolate perhaps, but I'm sure you get the gist of the statement); we know that a good book can satisfy our imagination and bring about all sorts of grand and billowing pictures in our minds if it is well written, and that music can blend our heart and soul into light and mystery and forever bring to mind the wonder of a moment. But what is this elusive state of love in the context of how we mean it in reference -- and reverence -- toward those we care deeply for, those individuals who make our hearts soar as if on gossamer wings?

As a young man I "fell in love" constantly ... Whenever a wondrous creature of light and flesh turned my head, every time a beautiful eye would blink just so, or a breeze would ruffle a skirt, I would be off in a heated search for the wonder of this incredible new Love.

Now we all know that this is the contrivance of an immature mind lusting after every opportunity that arises ... and we all do this; it's part and parcel of the human condition, and since we are these tempestuous and amazing creatures, it is also part of our growth as human beings ... Thank goodness we grow out of this; the hormonal rush would be just to much for this aging soul (LOL).

As we grow into ourselves, becoming comfortable within our own skin and emerging as mature adults, I believe we are more able to deal with the reality of what love is, with the comfortable and the uncomfortable aspects of this heightened state of awareness.

I know that Jaliya is the person on this Earth that I most love; she smells right to me, feels right, and sounds like the other part of my soul when she speaks. When she says "Baby ... ", it causes a melt in my heart that will allow her to continue with "... will you take out the trash?" or whatever she has around that calls for my attention, and I have never had that feeling with another being (thought it doesn't preclude the fact that I may not want to take out the trash, just that it tends to make it all right). We know that animals choose us -- we become their "chosen human" -- and I think that Jaliya and I are one another's chosen mates and that feels wonderful.

So to answer the original question, "How do we know the face of Love", we know because the person that we love most dearly is an extension of all the good we would like to see in ourselves, and is the person we just can't imagine waking up each morning without, as if that would be a pain that could never heal. I know that this in particular is the thing that tugs at me most right now because for much of the week Jaliya and I are apart, and I don't feel I work well without her here, but I do, and I continue through my week waiting for the weekend when she is home, and then I feel complete and peaceful.

I would love to take the two little ones in the photo I chose to start this article, and tell them one thing that is true: It gets so much better ... so much better.

Thank you all, and blessings on you and yours ... Have a great day.

We Walk The Path My Love ...

"Immature love says ' I love you because I need you.' Mature love says " I need you because I love you.' Erich Fromm



I wish to tell the story of my love Jaliya and I, and in doing so she is with me in my heart though we are separated by a few miles at this juncture in our lives.

Those of you who have been friendly and loving to my darling girl, and read her blog, will know whereof I speak, if you are new to this blog and haven't been part of my wifes sojourne then in short she has gone to a mental health facility that is helping her deal with clinical depression. This has been a lifelong battle for her, and the most daunting experience of her life (as anyone who has suffered with this malady can attest to). That she has kept her beautiful mind intact is a testament to her inner strength, these and so many other things, aspects of the whole of her, are the reasons why I love her above all else in my life save me, and I say this because I have come to understand that if one doesn't love and care for one's self, then you can not be strong when you truly need to be.

A business that I had been working for was closed by the owner who had run it into the ground, and in doing so almost ended my career as a hairstylist (the details of this situation I will not bore you with), suffice to say I needed to gain employment quickly, I came across an ad in the local paper that a very ton-y apartment building was looking for a concierge for evenings on the weekends, so I applied and got the job.

I must say, and I think it's because I truly love people, that I loved the job, the management were very fair to employees and the tenants were fabulous as a whole.

After a few months I had become quite friendly with some of the tenants, and one of them in particular was the (not known then) brother of my darling girl, Perry (not his true name) and I became quite chatty as is both our natures, and he would stop and talk whenever he was in for a visit.

One night, and this one was to change my life forever, he came in with a very bubbly young woman, and introduced me to her, this was one of a few meetings Jaliya and I were to have before our actuality, and Perry was her younger brother (she has two other siblings), so we stood and kibbutzed a bit and off they went to visit Mum and Dad. I knew then and there, like being hit with a mallet.

Jaliya's Mum was very dear to me, and her father and I were quite friendly also and so what follows was a huge shock to me.

I came to work one cold January day to find out that her mum had passed away the night before from emphysema, well to say the least I was shocked and truly wounded at this loss, Perry came in later after a time and explained what had happened and I shared my condolences with him for he and the rest of the family and after a few minutes he went upstairs to his father. Later that night Jaliya came in, and though she says she doesn't remember I came around the desk and gave her a hug, told her how sorry I was.

The funeral was to be the next Tuesday ( I believe), and out of respect for the family I went to help share in there grief, and be a show of strength if I could be. I remember sitting at the back of the chapel, watching as my love went about the process of being a gracious host to her mothers rememberers, and thinking " this poor darling is broken apart, with such dignity" and my heart verily broke for her. Later at the graveside, I positioned myself behind her and to her left at a distance, and when all was said and done, and everyone started to move away from the grave I approached her and with all the love in my heart said to her "This is neither the time or the place, but I would truly love to have a coffee with you someday and talk about your Mom." this I think threw her a little but we agreed to talk another time, and I left her to her pain.

One day when she was in town visiting her Dad after the shock had worn down a bit, we talked at some length and agreed that she would call me when she was next in town and we would get together for a coffee and our conversation.

I didn't hear from her for about two weeks, and then late one morning as I was sitting with friends in a local restaurant (we met every morning for coffee and conversation), I got a call from her saying she was in town visiting her dad and she would be free in about an hour, so I told her where to meet me and to call me as she was leaving and I would meet her on the street corner.

Needless to say, I was a tad excited to be finally getting to spend some time with her ( I had known from the first minute we met that she was the woman I wanted to spend my life with ), and it would be a for-telling of the rest of my life. About 45 minutes later I got a call from her saying she had just left her dads place and that she would be there in about 20 minutes all things considered, so I told her where I was, how to get to me, and that I would be waiting on the corner for her.

35 minutes later, freezing my tookis off, she finally pulled up, I got into her car and she apologized for how long it took, "No problem at all" was my reply ( I would later realize that this was to be an on-going tradition of me waiting for her :) ). So I showed her how to get into the nearby underground parking, and off we went. Once parked we came outside and started to walk to a nearby restaurant for our "coffee and chat". I'd noticed she didn't have gloves so I dangled my hand incase she wanted to hold onto it for warmth, what occurred next blew my socks off. Jaliya sidled up to me and hooked her arm around my waist, latched her thumb through a belt loop and gave a little snug, this blew me away, I looked at her and we laughed and continued to the restaurant.

Well, long story somewhat short, our 45 minute "chat" turned into a 4hour lunch, and as they say, the rest is history. We were separated by distance only for a short time and since I made the choice to move to her, we have never been separated, until now.

So dear people, that was our beginning, and I have loved her, been in love with her and found our way to love with her these 7 years, and we will be together forever, this we know in our bones. But this has been a trying year, filled with much pain for my love and I, and we are still here, and just had a great weekend together, and now the hours apart don't seem so long for I get to see her in 2 days on a visit, and then 2 days later for another weekend. And so it goes.

To all of you I wish health, happiness and love. Keep your hearts true and kind and I will talk to you again soon. Peace be with you all.

Always Remember That I Love You

Hi, I'm back. This has been a very trying year for myself and my wife Jaliya; she is known to some of you ardent bloggers -- her works (Pushing Fifty Gently, A Post-Cynical Seer, and The Quoteable I Ching) have become quite popular with some of you and it has warmed my heart that you have befriended these sites; Jaliya is thrilled to pieces.

Any of you who have been keeping up to date will know that she has entered into a mental health facility (of her own volition, and for which I am very proud of her) and will without a doubt reap the benefits of her experience there.

It's been somewhat of a surreal year on my side; watching the one I love and adore spiral helplessly into depression is an experience that we both wish none of you ever have to go through, but I must say at this juncture that it has been a ... lesson in faith, and a ladder to the creation of a new level of me. I have found both strengths and weaknesses in my character that I had never before realized I had the capacity to achieve or contain -- "I learn, therefore I am" comes to mind.

All this being said, the above video is a creation of mine dedicated to the woman I love and in whom I have found love like I have never known; it was created as a testament to her enduring strength of character and to the love that she so warmly sheds on myself and all of you (friends, family, loved ones and fellow bloggers).

And finally I would like to thank all of you who have shared your thoughts and compassion with Jaliya in this time that has not been an easy one for her ... Remember that you are loved also ...