I need a moment's pause ...

"My mind feels like a frog in a blender"
My Jaliya

Dear readers, please excuse the seeming bizarreness of the above statement; it was originally made by my darling girl a few years ago after her mother died. Another term could be "discombobulated" -- a somewhat distracted state of mind. (Jaliya sez: "The blender was on whip!")

I loathe Spring colds; I was saying to Jaliya today through sniffles and hacks that I had made a grievous error in making the statement a few days ago: "I'm so fortunate to have escaped being sick this winter" -- an example of "Watch what you ask for/ say -- you may get it."

So here I sit, sniffling and snuffling and generally feeling like "poo", and my darling, knowing what I'm like when sick, is making me chicken soup :) , and generally loving me from a distance (smart girl ).

I really don't know why I'm writing to you of this; I guess it's a fulfillment of the belief, "Misery wants company," and if that is true (honk, hack, aaaachooooo) I'm terribly sorry.

Chicken soup is here ... Time to go. Be well in yourselves and bless you all.

Spring is coming ... a little patience is required

Honest Winter, snow-clad, and with the frosted beard, I can welcome not uncordially; But that long deferment of the calendar's promise, that weeping gloom of March and April, that bitter blast outraging the honour of May, how often has it robbed me of heart and hope?
George Gissing

I looked out upon the world early this morning, this ought-to-be Spring morning, and what did I see?

Snow, albeit just a smattering, a loose dusting as it were, but snow just the same.

It's easy to have your hopes dashed at this time of the year -- everything hangs so tenuously; even the weather is a frail what-if. As someone once said, 'Tis the time that God rewrites the Book of Genesis ...

This winter for us in Ontario was especially long, simply because it came so early, and seemed to stay so long. (Doesn't it always?)

But if you find that it is taking too long, just look to this beautiful picture, and in it see yourself walking in fields of flowers like these and see if that doesn't buoy you up.

As I've said here before, the sight of the first Trillium of spring can bring me to my knees ... so patience, dear reader ... just a little while longer ... patience.

Peace and blessings to you all.

Joy is such a wonder

My creed is that:

Happiness is the only good.

The place to be happy is here.

The time to be happy is now.

The way to be happy is to make others so.

Robert G. Ingersoll

When I think of the times in my life that I have been truly happy, they end up as two fold; when I am alone with my thoughts outdoors under natures canopy walking in a wood, and when I find myself with people I love to share time and laughter with -- and these two things I try to do often.

In this time of uncertainty and distress, we most assuredly need some joy and happiness to enter our hearts, we need a hug, a joke, and a little kindness to soften the blows of all that is going on about us.

I was in a cafe the other day, and at one point heard a man say to his friend "The world is going to the dogs.", and for the first time ( because we all have heard that statement ), I thought to myself "Hmmm, what a curious thought ... maybe they could do a better job."

This thought amused me so much I couldn't help myself and started to laugh, where upon, the two men looked at me in a most quizzical way, "Sorry" I said "but the remark you just made made me think of that statement in literal tones, and I found it truly funny in essence."

They obviously didn't see the humour, and got up and left ... and I sat there and smiled.

But thinking on it some more ( and still chuckleing to myself ), I thought "Rover for Prime Minister" and laughed outloud.

Wouldn't it make an interesting possibility, dogs are the most wonderful creatures, there is a statement by Charleton Ogburn, Jr. "Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of a door" , would that we could be so optimistic.

A world in which we found joy and happiness simply by expecting it to be present around any corner, what a marvelous (if not totally realistic ) world that would be; life lived in the minute, how amusingly refreshing.

I leave you with this thought by Robert Louis Stevenson, "There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy."

Be with those you love often, and laugh with complete abandon with them, seek out joy for it is there to be found -- all around us.

Blessings on you all.

WHO, US?

You have now learned to see
That cats are much like you and me
And other people whom we find
Possessed of various types of mind.

T.S.Eliot


As you know, dear friends, my darling girl spent some time away from us, and during that time she had the very good fortune to spend some time in a class with a very eminent horticulturist.

In this class she learned a lot about plants that she did not know, and was able to plant a 'stone plant' in a lovely small glass container. She was quite thrilled with her small creation, and it sat on her desk beside her bed for her to look at and ponder.

Well, now my love is home, and with her came the tiny miracle of Mother Nature's bounty. We placed it between a couple of other plants we had sitting on a lovely chest we own, and there it sat, drinking in the lovely sunshine and being resplendent in itself, fresh and quite pretty.

This morning when I awoke, the sun just starting to peek out over the horizon, I left our bed and as I stepped into the hallway, felt something akin to grit under my feet. I looked down and to my still blurry eyes I saw dirt and plant scraps all about. On closer inspection did I not find our Vidaloo, our preciously rambunctious kittone sprawled on the floor, entrails of a once 'stone plant' hanging from her chops ...

She lay there looking at me for a split second and was gone, guilt left in her wake.

What was I to do? I couldn't very well start up the vacuum and wake my darling girl, so the carnage was left, to be visible evidence when Mama awoke.

When it was finally a decent hour to wake Madame, what did I find but our own sweet little 'muffin' curled on the bed as if nothing had happened; cats have no conscience at all. At this point I woke Jaliya and said, "You are not going to be pleased with your youngest daughter." Surveying the wreckage, the trail was plain to see and follow. I went about the task of finding one bedraggled remnant of what was a lovely plant and put it in water; hopefully we'll save its poor self.

As for Vida -- well, she is a cat, and cats do not have the capacity to know right from wrong, plant from toy ... so she sits and plays with a paper ball, enjoying her life, waiting for the chance to wreak havoc on something else that catches her attention ... waiting ...

She is the idea of 'cat'

Cats, no less liquid than their shadows,

Offer no angles to the wind.

They slip, diminished,

Neat, through loopholes

Less than themselves.

~ A.S.J.Tessimond

Our Roo, she has been a conundrum to me since day one. Unrelenting in the fact that she is the Queen of the house, she holds firm sway over the little ones Aja and Vida. She sits or lays as if surveying her domain, and no one, not I, nor my darling girl, contests this fact.

With my darling girl Roo is sweet, loving, and absolute in her affections. With me it's always been a different story. That Roo puts up with my presence has never been disputed; that I am a convenience is a fact; that I contribute to her lifestyle (Tee hee: a cat's lifestyle) is my place in this world. It is said that "cats do not have owners, they have staff" -- and if I should ever forget this, she is johnny-on-the-spot to remind me.

I will be the first to say that we have butted heads in the past. I have had dogs for most of my life, and they are different -- a dog will willingly defer to its human; a cat, on the other hand, will look at you in a way that says, "You said what to me?"

I have seen grown men back away from a pissed off kitty; wisdom tells you that if you pursue this course of action, the end is going to be messy. I was not one of the aforementioned individuals, and pushed my position as the "dominant human" too far on a few occasions (Did I neglect to say I wasn't too swift in the mental uptake of my actions? ... ha ha), and received for my bother some "sharp" reminders. Respect comes of age in the end.

At this juncture in Roo's life, we have agreed to disagree, have said "Truce", and are much kinder to one another. The other night, Jaliya and I were watching a movie. About halfway into the film, Roo proceeded to shock the daylights out of us when she climbed up onto the couch between us ... and with her weight into me, she lay down and allowed me to stroke her. I did this gently, and she purred, and I went to tears, streaming tears ... Jaliya looked at me and smiled her knowing smile, and we sat like that for the remainder of the film. I was gob-smacked.

With Jaliya's departure to hospital for two months, I witnessed a change in Roo that shocked me. She has lost a lot of weight, perhaps three pounds -- for a cat, this is a lot. Roo has sunk into herself in away that is disturbing, and she is hiding, which is a distinct sign that all is not right.

So now it falls on us to get her to our vet "Dr. B.", and have her give us her opinion as to what is going on. We already are aware that Roo is declining, and a decision that we have had to make in the past will be made yet again. We know with the certainty of experience that this will be our last kindness to Roo, and for all the love she has shown to my darling girl, and for the great teacher she has been to me, we will do it out of our love for her.

At this point I am going to ask the question that has always raised itself in my mind at a time like this; why as human beings can we do this kindness for our beloved pets, and yet not for another human? Perhaps this is a question for another time, though it is something we seem to be incapable of sharing with our fellow man. Hmmm.

So at this point, we sit and wait; we lay our hands on Roo, try to comfort her as best we can, and just be with her. After all is said and done ... this is all we can do.

I shall keep you apprised, and for now as always, many blessings on you all.

There are places I go ...

Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.
Winston Churchill

I was never less alone then when by myself.
Edward Gibbon


There are places I go, ethereal places, places where the forest gods live and rend magnificent magic for all human senses ... and all we have to do is go to them, be in them, and realize we are of them.

When in a place such as this I find myself doing things that I would normally not do; one is to breathe deeply, allowing all of the scents to mingle. There are pine and fir, moss and decaying logs, mixed with rich loamy soil as old as the Earth itself, and in all of this you find a freeing of your soul and if you listen very closely it will tell you stories of past visitations, show you evidence that there is an enormity to the life within its borders; great robust life in moose and deer, in bear and wolf. If you watch closely, you will see lessons in learned timidity through squirrel, chipmunk and rabbit. All this and heaven too.

I have been blessed and dazzled to witness big-horned sheep in the mountains of our own British Columbia as they dance from footholds no bigger than their hooves, as if members of a ballet troupe performing some mystical age-old saga.

But the real reason I go into these "ethereal places" is a much simpler one; it makes me feel truly like I have a part in this world that is calmer than day-to-day life in a city.

I feel more alive in the wild then in any circumstance I could ever be a part of in what we call civilization.

The true nature of man is of the wild; it is the essence of our being, and it is the place where we are one with life; we become what we are in nature, just one of its many children, and while there, we are humbled by its splendour and by the fact that we are quite small next to its enormity, for here we would exist like all other creatures, at Nature's whim.

This is unsettling for we who consider ourselves as the master species, but that is another story for another day.

For now I speak of the tranquility that overtakes me; I am helpless in the thrall of every single nuance of this beauty that is woven like a fine tapestry before my eyes. I can be, and have been, taken to my knees at the sight of the first trillium of spring, and even now the sight of this year's fawn can make me weep, for to witness the young of the forest is a blessing indeed and I revel in it.

Jaliya and I were in Northern Ontario visiting a friend for the weekend one fall a few years ago, and I asked if she would like to join me for a walk. "Absolutely, babe," was her reply, and we soon found ourselves walking through the forest. About twenty minutes in, I said, "Look over your left shoulder" -- and there she saw her first moose about thirty yards off. I wish I'd had a camera with me right then -- the look on her face was amazing; it was the first time she had actually seen a moose, and she was awestruck. It put such a smile on my face to see her expression.

My darling bloggers, I could go for hours on these topics, but let's save some for another day.

I will leave you with this; I'm amazed when I hear someone say that they have never been into the forests of this great world. If this is you, find someone who has an understanding of the woods, and join them on your own sojourn into Mother Nature's womb. Learn to love her and all of her gifts; they are there for you to see, feel, and enjoy. I will ask but one thing of you: where you go, go quietly and respectfully; leave nothing behind but your scent on the wind, and always remember this is part of life. I call it "the gift," and it is for you and me. Treat it well.

Until we meet again, love and blessings on your sweet souls.

She's Home

And joy and Spring, and joy again,
my heart that sings a joyous refrain.
Glenn D. Clarke



My darling girl has returned to me, and all is right on earth. I collected my Jaliya yesterday, and oh what a feeling of joy to have her home.

She sits behind me on the PC, she is in bliss state at this moment as she is readying a piece for submision to the eye of literary guru Nino Ricci who is in town today, and she (and I:) ) are praying that he will see the wonder in her work and pick hers as the winner; we'll keep you aprised.

I can't begin to express what I feel at her being back in our home, suffice to say I and our beloved kittones are thrilled at her return, it hardly feels like two months have gone by, which I'm sure has much to do with the speed of the world today and exactly how busy we are in general; how foolish are we to allow time with our loved ones and all the things that are so much more important to fall into the realm of "not enough time".

But I shan't be dogged by negativity today, for she has returned to our home, and more so, to the arms of the one who loves her most of all. There is no small thanks to all of the wonderful people involved in the return to life that she has come through and to all of them I give my heart felt thanks, it seems like such a small thing to offer to those who work so diligently to aid those who are suffering, but there it is, bursting forth from my heart to theres.

And for now, Iwill bid you all a great day, much love and blessings on your sweet souls.

The Nature of Nature

No one thinks of Winter when the grass is green.
Rudyard Kipling



Ah, Spring ... I have long fancied the wonder and beauty of this magical time of the year, the delicious smell of the earth after a rain, all vibrant and alive, the grasses and buds of trees all verdant and green.

I am left thinking of the young boy who was me waking on that day, that first amazing day, when everything seemed new and possible, scrambling off to my best friend's house, delighting as we went to "our river" with our inner tubes inflated, and when there, we'd toss them into the water, scramble into them, and start our maiden voyage of the year down to the lake. This journey would take most of the day, and boys being boys, we'd have to stop a few times to check out a fallen tree on the bank, or look at some "amazing stuff "; that is just the nature of young boys.

Now I find myself looking for that young boy every spring, and he still exists behind every tree and around every bend in a stream, squealing with delight at every new find, every different bug, and in awe of each beautiful flower that Mother Nature shares with him; I find him still in love with that magnificent mistress of nature. I bend to smell the ground, and in so doing I see the boy I was dash ahead as if beckoning me on to all the sights, sounds, and smells that wait to be found on every new day.

I have a place now that I tend to visit every spring; it's a series of bush trails that link farms north of us that have been dedicated to hikers in spring, summer and fall, and to cross-country skiers in winter. This is a blessing bestowed to the public by the farmers and property owners to let us have a place in our busy lives to be able to go to and get something "real", to breathe and connect with that side that craves the sanity of nature. I'm sure those of us who go to these places, all of us, see the child we once were, and we all cling to the ability to feel the joy that was our childhood. Here are deer and fox, wild turkey and rabbit, all of the creatures that make us say to ourselves, "This is what I live for."

And so dear friends, at this point you must excuse me, for there is a little boy here who is begging my attention, and I have no choice but to go with him for a walk, a stroll if you will, down the lane called "Memory".

As always, Blessings on you and yours, and may your child find you on this day of days.

Say What You Need To Say ... Often

Pride had rather go out of the way than go behind. Thomas Fuller

Between whom there is hearty truth, there is love. Henry David Thoreau

The song to the video I created above is by a wondrous young song/ wordsmith by the name of John Mayer, in it he speaks of "saying what you need to say ", and in hearing the song for the first time I was quite taken aback by the wisdom in the lyric.

What is it about human beings in so many instances in our lives, we seemed to be damned to tell the truth, to put our pride out of the way and just 'say' what is on our minds.

Truth is covered in so many guise's, we tell people who question why "we didn't tell the truth from the beginning" that we did it to spare their feelings, as if to be caught in a lie wouldn't wound us to the core.

Another is "the truth is not all it is cracked up to be", to this I say; I would rather hear the truth and decide on my own thankyou very much, than to feel betrayal from someone in whom I may have had a high degree of trust.

I know with a certainty that in my own life there have been times when I didn't 'say what needed to be said', and it has caused me untold pain and hardship through my life.

My father passed a number of years ago, and in his passing I realized that I had forfeited any chance at clearing the air between us, and in that, set in place a deep chasm of pain in my heart that I carry to this day. He was a man who was ill-prepared for the absolute that is fatherhood, and in being who he was, made himself emotionally unavailable to his family, to his detriment, and our constaint pain; children need both parents present and accountable to be able to grow to be emotionally stable, strong and capable adults. With me, I know it has caused an inability to create solid relationships with men, and that has been a problem because at 57 I have a need to be able to "chum" with some men I know, and yet ... I lack the where-withall to do so, and so feel cheated, and this is no ones fault but my own, for I never forced myself out into the male world so to speak.

"Humans." Robin Williams; from the movie Bicentenial Man

We are an ever un-folding organism, constantly becoming, forever on the verge of greatness, and yet we have the hardest time telling people we either love, respect, or care about exactly what it is that we feel, love or respect in them or about them, and in the end we find ourselves carrying the weight of the guilt of not telling them how we feel; what is missing in this picture?

I know myself at this juncture in my life, I take every possible opportunity to tell those I love, men and women that I love them and why I feel as I do, I never want to feel that there is one more person who leaves this world, or leaves my world that doesn't know and I mean really know how I feel about them. I tell Jaliya that I love her every single day (whether I like her that day or not :) ), this is something I will never not do, for those of you who keep up with our blogs you know how much we like one another :).

So how do we do this, easy; say what you need to say, that's all, simple, children do this naturally until we teach them not to, and that has to stop also. One of the things that is so wonderful about our children is that they are honest to a fault until we teach them that not showing their emotions is sometimes wiser ; when is that wise? That telling the truth all of the time is not tactful ; when is this wise? Teach them to be tactful and honest, it's hard work, but it pays dividends in the end for them.

I would like to close with a story, this is true and about an episode in my life which I wish I had the ability to change.

I had a friend when I was in my mid teens, P. was an awesome guy, more like a brother than "just a friend", and it seemed that wherever he was, I was, and vice versa. P. met his then wife S. and it quickly turned to a love situation, I was in the Armed Forces at the time and S. got pregnant, so they married, I came home on leave so as to be his 'bestman'. The wedding was simple and lovely, they found an apartment and settled in as man and wife. In due course A. was born, and they asked me to be A.'s Godfather, which thrilled me no end, by this point I was out of the Forces and was able to spend time with them all, but P. had a job that was demanding of his time, so as a friend I would try to make myself available so S. could have sometime for adults, and I could have A. for a time.

One afternoon, S. and I were sitting in the kitchen having a coffee, A. was having his nap, and P. came into the apartment, took one look at me and said "What the hell are you doing here?" and started slinging accusations at S. and I that were totally out of order. To this day I have no idea where any of that came from, he pushed me out of the apartment, slammed the door in my face and I never saw either S., or my Godson A. again , and years later found out they had divorced shortly after this incident, and have since disappeared.

Years later I saw P. one day sitting in the drivers seat of a cab, I approached him, and said "P., how are you man, it's been so long." To this he said" f@#k you" and drove away, leaving me standing, slack jawed in his wake. I don't understand anymore today than I did at the time why this happened, although I can put some maturity to it at this point and surmise that what initially happened embarassed P., and being the type of person I know him to be, he couldn't say what needed to be said at the time. It has more than likely taken a real toll on his soul, for I know, or knew the man, and he is a prideful individual. So to him at this time I would like to say "P., if you are out there, I feel your pain, I'm sorry we couldn't talk it over brother, and I'm sincerely sorry for not being able to be there for you, I've missed you for years."

To S. and A., what can I say, I've missed you two and wish I knew what happened, I never gave P. any reason to believe that he had to be jealous or anything of a kind, I hope life treats you all well, and that there is peace in it for you all.

And so another page turns, life goes on, and we need to all remember "Say what you need to say" always.

Love, peace, and blessings on you all.

I Am Poured Into This World ...

I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the cost.

F. McKinney Hubbard

I was, am, and will eternally be poured into this life. I am the grateful son of a wondrous woman -- my mom was the best :-) -- a woman who was an endless river of love and devotion to her three sons. Her heart was the proverbial fount of compassion for all who knew her and loved her -- there were many over the span of her life.

I am poured into life as a leaf floating in a river, through every imaginable canyon of existence; I see and feel all around as if I was a filter for life itself. I watch and commune in constant thrall to the life around me.

I was fortunate to be a child of a man who, although incapable of being a father in the traditional sense of the word, grasped in the beauty of nature a magnificent teacher in the ways of forest, hill, and stream ... and for that I will always be thankful. He taught me to see, truly see, the life beyond the back door of the constructed city. I have passed time looking under the decaying logs on a forest floor at the life teeming below them, been agog by the brutality of two stags doing battle in a forest glade, and dumbfounded by the sheer beauty in a wing of a Monarch butterfly.

For this and all other questings for the true wonder of this world I give great thanks to the man who was 'Dad'.

I have found, as I was saying to a dear friend the other night, that I have been blessed with the ability to spend much of my adult life in love with women. I have never been the type of man who seeks solace with his own gender; I've found many men I have met to be boorish and self- absorbed, and in that, not much good to the women in their lives.

I was saying to another friend (also a woman) who was questing for her "mate for life" that not many men are worth a damn till we hit at least 40, after which we tend to be more in touch with our feminine aspects; we become a little softer, less controlled by our ego, and generally more pleasant to be with.

The unfortunate side of this equation is the existence of misanthropes like George W. Bush whose characters denigrate men with decent, thoughtful and gentle qualities. Because of men of this caliber, others like myself and those whom I know to be decent, kind and loving, suffer a "clumping of kind" -- we tend to be lumped together as a group, and therefore tend not to associate with other men -- we tend to be wary of Bush-like males ...

I am eternally poured through this world in an endless quest for truth, and in this quest I find I have become mindful of the gentle sweetness of women I have been blessed to know; they have been the making (and the breaking and remaking) of me. I have found comfort in the arms of women for a day, a week, for years ... and have learned the invaluable lessons of being a man loved, hated, loved, and broken open.

Through my life I have felt that there was something that tied me to women, and I now realize what one common thread has been -- these women have been abused in one way or another. Some of the abuse was sexual, some emotional, some physical, but all of it was needless and cruel.

I remember being fourteen and helplessly in love with an "older woman" who was nineteen. S~ offered me kindness, tenderness, and understanding when I was most in need of them. I was much too young to have been involved with this poor, broken girl who had as I understand today a severe psychosis -- it became evident the day I went to her basement apartment, knocked on the door knowing she was there, and entered to find the room dark and laced with the haunting sound of a whimpering child. I found S~ and she unleashed on me a fury that I have never before or since witnessed or suffered; it was all I could do to hold onto her and scream for help. Someone in the house heard our cries and called the police, who showed up minutes later (which seemed an eternity to me). They called for an ambulance, and S~ was taken away. I was left shaken, unsure of what had happened, and crying in a crumpled mess on the floor of her room. A police officer returned and guided me home, where I immediately fell into my Mom's arms. I shook for two days, and never saw S~ again, but later heard that she had killed herself in an asylum.

This was how I began to learn and understand that we all seek out love, in whatever layered and complex form it may take, and that we all hope for the best ...

My ex-wife B~ was someone I loved deeply for a long time. She had been sexually abused by her father, who had more issues than Sports Illustrated ... He worked his evil on her to the point where it actually continued through our relationship. B~'s father abused her from early childhood into her adult life, until he killed himself; in so doing, he cheated her out of ever being able to confront him, as should have been her right. I will forever feel pain for this woman; she was badly scarred, and I truly hope that she can find peace in herself ...

And now I have my beloved Jaliya; you who have been following our blogs will understand that she has had some issues of her own to work out. Her challenges have lasted a lifetime, and she has managed to cultivate a self that is largely calm, loving, and warm. She is my other half; at the risk of sounding corny, she completes me.

It pains me greatly to see what my darling girl is going through at this juncture in her life; it's taken a toll on her, but she is an awesome little power in my life and she perseveres in her quest to find peace with her demons as we all must in some form ... This has challenged me in ways I couldn't imagine, and I find myself now on a whole new journey. Somehow I know that we will emerge on the other side of this and be smiling in rays of sunlight. Life constantly challenges us, and we are all capable of achieving the peace in life that we search for, if we remain passionately committed to the search. For some the road is longer and rockier, but if by chance we find and keep our focus, the fruit it bears truly is sweet. The secret is in staying the course ...

In ending this addition to my blog, I find myself still, as ever, being poured through life, not quite sure on the final destination, but sure in the fact that as we human beings are capable of some horrendous acts of cruelty, we are also capable of a beauty that is divine ... To touch our own lives and others' with a loving spirit is our best quest ...

We'll be seeing you again soon ... till then, many blessings on all of your sweet souls.